Abstract: Help coping with unsolicited comments and advice reardging breastfeeding your baby and toddler. Advice, comebacks, and specific responses.

Full Article:

Dealing with Other People's Reactions to Breastfeeding
Especially Extended/Toddler Breastfeeding
Compiled by Shana R. May

Responding to Unsolicited, Unwanted, & Unwelcome Advice

Preparing for Criticism:

• Keep in mind that the unsolicited advice reflects on the person giving the advice and not on you or your parenting.
• Try to maintain a sense of humor, for your own sanity, not necessarily for the comfort of those giving you unwanted advice.
• Try to maintain a sense of appreciation because most people who will actually make a comment to you are only concerned about you/your baby's well being and are well-meaning -- think of this as an opportunity to educate them!
• Try not to be offended or get angry; it's hard to put your thoughts calmly into words when you're upset. Instead try to reply in a manner that makes your point so that you aren't walking around all day thinking to yourself, "I wish I had said...".
• Prepare! (That's what you're doing right now; Arming yourself with knowledge and comebacks to deal with what might otherwise be uncomfortable situations.)

  Reacting to Advice Given:

  General Advice from Parents
  Don't "give in" to advice that your parents give you just because you are trying to please them if it goes against your own mothering instincts. Remember that your parents may not have breastfed (at all even) because of the prevalent practices at the time. Do: Assure them that they made loving decisions for you and that you are doing the same for their granchildren. Don't: Say that they are outdated and ignorant.

  General Advice from Extended Family and Friends
  Peers often offer practical advice based on their own personal experiences. Remember, what worked for them may not work for you. Do: If it sounds good, try it. Don't: If it doesn't, thank them but continue to follow your own instincts.

  General Advice from Authority Figures
  Remember the old saying "It's always been done this way"? If everyone followed the same advice than nothing would ever change. Do: Ask questions about advice that you're not comfortable with and seek a second opinion if the answers don't satisfy you. Don't be intimidated. Be an advocate for your baby and for yourself.

  General Advice from Strangers
  Remember that not everyone in this world is considerate, or knowledgable, for that matter. Advice from people whom you will never meet again easiest advice to ignore, unless you're having a fragile day. In that case, it can push you over the edge! Do: Just smile, say thanks, and walk away. However, if you're having a good day, feel free to lay on the ammunition (provided below for your convenience *smile*). Don't: Yell at the do-gooder, it won't educate him or provide any positive feedback, rather it might give him an even more negative feeling toward breastfeeders. You know how they say "one person at a time", I trully believe it helps. (I suppose some days you won't feel in such a helpful mood, in which case, read this.)

  Replying to Advice Givers:

Business Sized "Oops! You Caught Me Breastfeeding" Cards to Download/Print & give to gawkers or those who comment to you about breasteeding in public.

Comebacks for Breastfeeding Moms

How to Respond to Direct Breastfeeding Questions/Comments:

Comment: "Breastfeeding a child that age is not natural."
Response #1: To whom? It IS natural to us, that's why we do it. I can't think of a more natural way to feed a baby. Can you?
Response #2: It being "natural" would have a lot to do with how you're raised and where you're raised also.
In India some women naturally 'tandem nurse' (see here) so to them it would not be unnatural.
Response #3: To some women, breastfeeding at all isn't natural, but that doesn't make it wrong.
Response #4: It is "natural" to nurse up to age six or later. A famous autobiography of a Native American (Black Elk Speaks) includes a statement similar to 'by the time I was six I was acting like a man, and hardly ever ran back to my mother to suckle anymore.'

Comment: "But just because it is natural, doesn't make it culturally acceptable."
Response #1: In some cultures it's acceptable to nurse children until they are five or six. In our culture only 30-40 years ago it was practically unacceptable to nurse at all. When I was a child the mothers who did nurse did so for about 9 months. These days it seems like 1 year is the norm. But as you can see, it changes from place to place and over time as well. Just as the decision on whether to nurse or bottle feed is up to the mother, she should also be able to make the decision on how long to nurse without being judged by others for doing something so natural and good. - "Luacie" (a grandma)
Response #2: The US is the acception in what is acceptible. We have the lowest rates of breastfeeding success in the world and I don't think it is anything to brag about. If the rest of the world is doing it and we aren't something is wrong. We are NOT leading the way to anything good but have given it up.


Comment: "Breastmilk doesn't benefit/is not needed for the child anymore."
Comment: "Breastmilk doesn't supply nutrition to babies past 6 months/1 year of age."
Response #1: Actually, research shows that the longer a child breastfeeds, the more he will benefit. I can site several studies that show direct correlations between extended breastfeeding and benefits to both the mother and the child. Would you like to give me your name and address so that I can forward you the information?
Response #2: "I couldnt ever put a age limit on a child's need to nurse because it is just that..a need. I wouldnt wean any of my kids because they got to be a certain age..nursing is just part of my mothering. You cant force a child to nurse and it is so much more than milk." -"wooliebabiemama".

Comment: [About not wanting to stop] "Something else is holding mothers to the process, be it comfort or be it laziness is ending the process."
Response: Because a child cannot be forced to breastfeed, some mothers prefer to let the children decide when weaning should take place and, according to a study by Katherine Dettwyler, PhD, most children self-wean between the ages of 3 and 4.

Comment: "You dont see fully grown animals still suckling to the mothers breast years later!"
Response #1: Actually, you do. Dolphins, which we think of as smart animals, nurse their babies until 2-3 years of age. A dolphin is considered to be full grown between 2 to 4 years of age and the female life expectacy of a dolphin can be as short as only 5 years!
Response #2: [If they use some obscene number of years, like 30] Statistically, the average age of weaning worldwide isn't 30, it's 4.2 years.
Response #3: [If they use some obscene number of years, like 30] True, but then again, we don't eat our young either.

Comment: "It's more for the Mothers security than for the 4 year old's health."
Response: Actually, the natural role of human survival may play a part in the lenth of time that a mother feels comfortable nursing her children, but noone can force a child to nurse. Did you know that the survival rate of baby dolphins is directly related to the strength of the maternal bond formed?

Comment: "Although breastfeeding is a natural process of feeding a baby, when the child begins to feed itself, the natural process is over and is no longer needed."
Response: What exactly do you mean by "can feed himself"? While a baby might be able to hold a bottle early on, even a child in grade school cannot actually obtain, cook, and nourish himself, which is my definition of "feed himself". If this were the case, many middle-schoolers might still be breastfeeding.

Comment: "I think it's gross/disgusting!"
Response #1: You know, what else can you say, but "I'm glad not all mother's think that way or some baby's wouldn't survive."
Response #2: And i find it disgusting that mothers are not giving their children the best they possibly can by breastfeeding because they are afraid that people like you will say something to them.
Response #3: Well, everyone has their own comfort 'zone"...but isn't it nice for children to grow up seeing nursing and breast as something normal..seeing siblings being nursed, and make
the connection a woman's breast isn't just the standard "sex" symbol it has become in this mainstream culture??! " -"fahwak"
Response #4: Those protrusians on women's chests are not decorations they are babyfeeders! Do you know that in many parts of the Islamic world where women are obliged to cover their hair and faces it is perfectly normal to be seen in the streets with a breastfeeding baby!! they do not have to take special care to cover the breast!-"Autumn".


Comment: "From a psychological point of view .. it can become something that effects a child in not so positive ways."
Response: This is a common misconception. There are a number of excelent studies done by reputable persons that discuss this topic. You can best find them by visiting the La Leche League International website.

Comment: "A child is too old for breastfeeding when he can logically comprehend that he's sucking on his momma's boob."
Response: By that logic, we should also be cutting off bottle-fed babies when they logically comprehend that they're sucking on an artificial nipple. There is nothing wrong with a child understanding that the breast is a part of their mother and a source of nourishment. Breasts are designed/intended for producing milk... they were not intended to be "toys".

Comment: "You shouldn't do that [breastfeeding] in public.
Response #1: Why not? (If their response is shown above, find a response to their comment above).
Response #2: "WHY?? Would YOU want to eat in a bathroom? I didn't think so!! If it is acceptable for a baby to bottle-fed in a location, it is also acceptable for an infant to be breastfed. Blanket covering or not. Nursing in public is LEGAL in all 50 states, and if you go to www.breastfeeding.com you can actually find a link to the legislation involved. If someone in a public place tells a woman she has to leave or stop breastfeeding, that person is violating the law." -"Daydreamer"

Hand-Picked Responses Read Online, Given By Other Mothers:

• About Personal Choice: [Of when to wean?] "of course, the decision is up to the breastfeeding mother. Mine were 31 months and 27 months old when they weaned themselves. That process is much easier on the mother as far as engorgement goes. I have the time to give my children, to be able to do that. other's may not. the age of the child for weaning is a personal decision. my decision of self weaning is excellent for me and my children. Weaning at any other age is excellent for whoever is making that decision...
• About Being "Harder" Than Giving Forumla: Breastfeeding is far easier, once you get the hang of it than forumla -- I've done that too! No tools, no mixing, no need to keep cold or heat up. No forgetting bottles, nipples or any equipment. Just lift shirt and feed -- no attachments needed with the possible exception of a nursing neckless for the distractible child. Formula -- as good as it currently is simply does not contain all the chemical components that breatmilk does. Nor is formula specifically designed to meet the immune needs of the individual child as breastmilk does. Mom's body will even make milk that has more caloric content for the premature infant's needs.
• About Breastfeeding Being Equal to Formula: "A woman who breastfeeds her child for two years dramatically reduces her risk of breast and uterine cancer. Formula has been linked to obesity (probably because bottle fed infants are believed to "need" a certain amount and could potentially be force-fed, then not learning to recognize their body's "full" signal. A breast does not come equipped with ounces marked on it, so the baby eats until full)".
• About Breastfeeding Being Equal to Formula: "It isn't so much that formula is a poor substitute as that breastmilk is so vastly superior. Nobody is slamming bottle feeding here, we are just trying to change cultural attitudes so folks are not made to feel wrong for feeding their babis in the way the Goddess intended. We know breast is best and just because formula is adequit does not mean it's the ideal choice. Jevity is a formula that is used by adults in feeding tubes when some illness makes it impossible for them to eat in a normal way. Nobody would ever say that Jevity is as good as eating real food...and the only diffrence between Jevity and Similac is the proportion of vitamines protein and carbos." -"Autumn".
• About Breastfeeding Being Disguisting: "You may think it is "icky" or disgusting or whatever for an older child to still be breastfeeding, be it for nutrition or comfort.... but breasts have been oversexualized in our culture. Are they used for sex? sure. But their PRIMARY function is to feed our young. They ARE mammary glands, after all."
• About Baby Being Too Old to Breastfeed: "There's also the fact that EVERY child, EVERY parent, and EVERY family is different. Why should an arbitrary age be chosen? Is it based on averages? If so, you'll have kids fall on either side of that. That's why it's important to remember the great range of ages at which weaning can naturally occur when a child is allowed to lead the process. Why should any person, adult or child, HAVE to fit into some presorted, strictly formed mold that society has deemed the only way?" -"bethierose".

 


Favorite Thoughts Read Online About Extended Breastfeeding:

• If it came to my children starving, I'd whip em out quick! And not care what anyone else thought.
• Oddly enough, many working with babies take the attitude that formula is just as good and easier for everyone. Translation: We can dot our I's and cross our T's better when we can see how much the kid took. Makes me angry.
• It's the best food for a human baby, and the best "brain food" there is. Funny how people overall don't find drinking other milk over their lifetime offensive because it comes in nice neat containers instead of having to crouch under a cow or goat and suck on a teat. -"Ravens_Tears".
• As beautiful and eye opening as a child understanding that his / her mother has provided the essentials for his/her growing up in a healthy manner .. that's fine ..
• I never thought I would nurse so long as I did. I started out simply needing to feed a child who couldn't tollerate formula of any kind and with an interest to boost I.Q. which it does do according to research. But, I found my children recovered quickly from illness and didn't get what every one had or got it with less severity. And I stayed much healthier too.
• [About Weening Too Early] My child had a need I was unable to fulfil until she grew out of the need and she suffered for it. How good can that be?
• Culturally we do not really support breastfeeding, I cringe every time I hear La Leche league potrayed as a bunch of whackos, They know what works, they care enough to keep helping. I also cringe evry single time I hear that someone stopped breastfeeding for lack of enough milk when the lack really is of the right supportive and knowlegable help!! -"Autumn"
• There are health, financial, and mental benefits to nursing an "older" child. I am nursing a 2 and a half year old and cant believe it sometimes. Until you are there, you dont know what you will do.

   

What do your own Actions/Language say about how you feel about breastfeeding?

NethieRose "How does our language about feeding babies continue a formula feeding culture?"

Read this: Watch Your Language! By Diane Wiessinger, MS, IBCLC

Like the others just before me said, I don't want any formula feeders to feel guilty. Both my children had formula at some point in their lives. My son for quite a long time, actually. But I do want to change our culture so that breastfeeding is not considered "disgusting" or "abnormal". I'm tired of defending my choice to breastfeed. I'm tired of being asked to take my breastfeeding child to a restroom to eat. Quite honestly, I'm tired of the ignorance abounding in our society about breastfeeding.

It's one thing to choose formula feeding after being FULLY informed. It's quite another to choose to formula feeding out of ignorance. When parents are making this choice, too often they are given inaccurate information by doctors and nurses, by family and friends. That has got to stop, imo. It's not fair to parents and it's certainly not fair to the children."

-Its easy to just say "I think moms should let their child self wean," or "I am still nursing" but the most important thing is to help people understand why this choice is being made. - "Fire Spirit"

 

Comebacks - Getting Down And Dirty!

Although I don't think most women who are trully looking for suggestions to help them when someone confronts them publically about breastfeeding their toddler will use most of the comebacks listed below, they are certainly empowering and amusing to read:

[Not-So-Nice] Comebacks from the retired "MothersOwnMilk" (no longer online)

Okay, so some of these are a little snippy and not-so-nice, but sometimes that attitude would apply. Do try and be polite to people who are simply misinformed, but be as snotty as you like to people who just won't mind their own business!

Are you STILL nursing?
-Of course, I wouldn't dare ask someone else to do it for me!
-What do you mean still? The bare minimum is two years!
-Obviously. ..Are you STILL afraid of seeing a breast? (a good one for someone looking at you nursing with a disgusted look on their face)
-Yep! The equipment is still in operation.
-Yep! He's still my child, isn't he?
-Of course! He still needs his mommy!
-Absolutely! It's a great way for both of us to take a break!
-Actually, he's the one doing the nursing, I just sit here.

When are you going to wean?
-I weaned a long time ago, when I was two I think.
-(pause) Oh, you were talking to me? I thought you were asking him...he can't answer you yet.
-Weaning isn't even in his vocabulary yet.
-Not sure, I hope he is allowed to nurse as long as he likes.
-Oh...sometime in the future. (be vague, it gets them every time!)
-I suppose whenever he stops nursing, that would be a good time.
-That's funny, I was going to ask you when are you planning on going vegetarian (or something equally as ridiculous to ask)

Isn't he a little old for that?
-(while nursing) Apparently not, the equipment still works for him.
-(surprised) What?! He isn't even out of diapers!
-I used to think like you, but then I nursed a baby for the first time and all the rules changed.
-His doctor didn't think so.
-Aren't you a little old to be wearing those jeans?
-Nope, he's only three, that's not very old considering he'll live to be 100 or so. Obviously he isn't.
-If I thought that way, would I still do it?
-No, I don't think he is, do you? (if they say "yes" then answer, "well, then, you already had your answer didn't you")

He doesn't NEED to nurse at this age!
-He doesn't need his teddy bear either and but we still give it to him.
-Maybe not, why don't you read up on it for me.
-Maybe you can find out if there is an expiration date for my milk.
-Only HE knows what he needs and obviously he still needs it. (laugh) Where did you hear that?
-Shhh - not in front of him, you'll make him feel bad. Then later say "I would prefer it if you wouldn't talk about nursing in front of the baby. How would you feel if someone was telling you that you were too old for something?
-He can HEAR you, you know. And you don't NEED to eat that doughnut, but you still are.

He should be drinking cow's milk from a cup by now.
-I am sure he knows how, but if you were him, which would you prefer?
-Why? Are we raising him to be a cow?
-He likes human milk from these cups better at the moment.
-I would like to see where that "rule" is written down.
-Why? Human milk is made for humans...and it's free! And you should be OVER the whole thing by now, are you still afraid of a breastfeeding child?

More Come-Backs I Found Online:

Responses to "Are you still nursing?"
- "No, I'm not, my mother lives too far away. Jacob is, though."
- "Of course! Nothing but the best for your grandson!" (or nephew or whatever)
- "Yes, isn't it amazing? I am so glad he's not in a hurry to grow up"
- "Yes, it's really been a life-saver, it is the only liquid he'll drink when he's not feeling well"
- "Absolutely, isn't love a wonderful thing?"
- "Yes!" (then hold up your hand expecting the other person to high-five you)
- "Right now? No, he's over there playing. I need him to do it"
- "I was never a nurse. I don't like needles! I'm an Accountant, remember?"
- "Yes, his doctor is so thrilled. So many moms give up due to pressures of friends and family" (hint hint)
- "Yes, and he's a real pro at it. I am so proud of him"
- "Everyone asks that, it must be because he's so incredibly healthy" (not really answering, but it gets the point across that you aren't planning on answering)
- "I get that question all the time. It is so great that people are looking out for him!" (again, not answering)
- "Yes, he deserves the very best. He's such a good baby."

(for someone who continuously asks)
- "It is funny how people ask that, but then they don't really want to know"
- "Of course, I am glad you keep asking. It shows you want the best for him"

(and another for someone who is hounding you to no end)
- "Do you really want to know this time? You didn't seem satisfied with my answer last time."

Responses to "When are you planning on weaning?"
- "I'm not. He'll wean me."
- "Before he graduates"
- "He hasn't told me yet."
- "I haven't asked him yet. He doesn't really make plans for the future at this point. He just does things day to day"
- "I don't know, I guess when my milk dries up" (confuse a person who has no clue about breastfeeding)
- "I hope not for a while. We're both enjoying our time together"
- "I don't know, when the puppies weaned, they were taken away from their mother. It doesn't seem like such a great thing to me"

(sometimes they ask, "when will you start giving him cow's milk?")
- "Not sure, maybe if he starts thinking he is a calf"
- "What, and get my PMS back? are you crazy?"
- "I don't know. He seems to still enjoy it and I enjoy those extra 500 calories I burn"
- "It is so hard to plan anything with a baby. We're just doing things day to day."
- " We're in no rush, he has time to make up his own mind"
- "Thanks for asking. Everyone seems to need an answer for that except for me and my child."

(and another for someone who is hounding you to no end)
- "It depends, when are you planning on asking me again?"

Responses to "Are you still nursing?"
- It's her turn, you'll have to wait in line! :lol:


 

Resources to Help You On Your Way:

Handling Others Opinions About Extended Nursing:

Are You Still Doing That? by Jan Andersen from Mothers Over 40. This is a well-written article that will give you the confidence to breastfeed your "older" child. Jan overviews a few of the misapprehensions about toddler breastfeeding and explains why they are miguided notions.

Handling criticism about breastfeeding by KellyMom. This is a wonderful resource! Kelly goes over how to handle criticism, specifically, from parents and other family members. Includes: Techniques for responding to criticism, Responses that other parents have used, Polls, & Responses & comebacks. She also offers links to Why Breastfeeding is Best and why It's Still OK To Breastfeed Your Baby After The First Year.

At a Loss for Words: Comebacks to Confront Breastfeeding Ignorance By Shel Franco. While not directly related to extended breastfeeding, this article gives you some more ideas of exactly what to say when confronted out in public by nosy people.

Empowerment/Support For Your Choice To Continue Breastfeeding Your Toddler:

Forums > Toddler > Breastfeeding > Parenting Dilemma: Everyone's pressuring me to wean my toddler. This post has over 700 comments replied to a woman when she asked what to do about people telling her she needed to wean her not-yet-ready-to-wean baby. A good read if you'd like to feel better about continuing to breastfeed your not-so-little baby; this post will certainly let you know that you're not at all alone.

Toddler Nursing Testimonials!! (or "Why Do You Nurse A Toddler?") This website compiled around 30 testemonials from moms who breastfed their toddlers. The women share their own personal answers to the "why question" with you.

Nutritional & Other Facts About Breastfeeding Past One Year:

Extended Breastfeeding References from KellyMom. Links to resources explaining: Benefits for child, including, Nutritional Benefits, Immunological Benefits, Allergies, Intelligence, Social Adjustment, Breastfeeding as the Norm and Benefits for Mother, such as fertility, Less Ovarian Cancer, Less Uterine Cancer, Less Endometrial Cancer, Less Osteoporosis, Less Breast Cancer (breastfed as child), Less Breast Cancer (mother), Diabetes - Decreased Insulin Requirements, Mother's Weight Loss.

Thoughts on Breastfeeding by Dr. Katherine A. Dettwyler (Adjunct Professor of Anthropology and Nutrition at Texas A&M University). This collection of web pages features some of Prof. Dettwyler's past thoughts on breastfeeding, gleaned from posts to email lists, her books, and other writings.

Breastfeeding Research Resouces from Marie's Breastfeeding Resources website. This is actually a compilation of links to various research dealing with extended breastfeeding.

Other Information That You Might Find Useful:

Breastfeeding Information / Weaning from the Australian Breastfeeding Association. This article is all about weaning. From when to wean, why women are told to wean, and even how to wean a toddler, when the time is right.

Credits:

Many of the wonderful quotes used for this article were taken from MysticWicks Forum Discussion: How old is too old...(breastfeeding). Thank you for the great insight!

Shana R. May is the mother of three children who were both breastfed and bottle-fed. Shana dealt with pre-ecalmpsia symptoms throughout all three of her pregnancies. With an extensive researched knowledge of infertility, parenting & high-risk pregnancy, she has written hundreds of articles published online today. Shana is also the founder of mommyguide.com and a number of other websites written specifically for mothers. Although Shana's background is in web & design solutions, she prides herself as an educator to mothers and enjoys diversifying her knowledge.

kewords: weaning, too old to breastfeed, toddler breastfeeding, extended breastfeeding, replies, come-backs, comebacks, what to say